S.O.S! Signs He's Not the One!
Life is an interesting thing. I’m in my early thirties now, and yet, now more than ever, I find myself surrounded by so many young women. (And to be clear, by young, I’m talking about the 25 and under crew.) I feel super blessed to know them and many have become like sisters to me. For the most part, I blendin, with age not being a huge factor; but then there are those moments where I start to show my age (excuse me, I mean life experience)! These moments always happen when the topic of romantic relationships come up. One of my sisters is usually sharing about some trifling ninja and I legit feel like a Mama Bear ready to fight someone!
Often times, I can only shake my head. We’ve all have been there before. I’m reminded of myself at that age and all the crap I was willing and did put up with. People gripe about getting older, but with age (hopefully) comes with learning to value yourself and your time. It’s a forever learning curve, but you get better; better at validating yourself, so none is required from outside. Better at not dealing with drama other people bring to you, because the way life is set up, you often have enough of your own. And most importantly, hopefully you learn to love yourself enough that you refuse to allow yourself to be involved in toxic, un-evolving, stagnant and useless relationships for the sake of having someone. Like Mary J., I can do bad all by myself - so if you’re going to be here, you need to be an asset! Okurrr!
Maybe you feel me, but you’re wondering what credentials do I have? Well, for starters I’ve had my heart broken before and it is the worst feeling in the world. Some folks really have no qualms about playing kickball with your heart, and if I can help another young sister avoid that, then I am more than willing! However, my dating resume repertoire includes the College Sweetheart (he was sweet but it just didn’t work out), Jail Bae (this was the soap opera phase of my life), and the One Who Shall Not Be Named (but I wrote about him in BÈL Magazine here). Not to mention, there was a brief seven month period a few years ago that I had not one but TWO guy roommates. Let’s just say I learned a lot! So with all my intel gathered, I suggest you pull up a chair Sis so we can chat - here are my reasons why you need to leave that man alone!
He wastes your time. You can fight me on this one, but anyone who will waste your time is not worth your time! Whether it’s not calling when they say they will, false promises of meeting up or just straight up leading you on, you don’t need that kind of energy in your life. I believe it’s most of our inclinations to give people the benefit of the doubt, but like Dr. Phil often says, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” And if this man has no qualms of setting an expectation and not following through with you, then what do you think you have to look forward to if you continue to engage this person further? Just a thought.
He’s insecure. Now, I know we all have insecurities, I mean, we’re human. But unchecked insecurities in another person can affect your life negatively in so many ways. Whether it’s jealousy, being unsupportive or worse, sabotage, an insecure man will not be here for you glow up. Yeah, it seems cute at first that Bae checks in on you all the time or he gets a little jealous, but it will get old and tired real quick. It’s exhausting having to constantly reassure your man that y’all are good, or having to make yourself small to not offend his ego. No ma’am, won’t do it!
He never plans anything. This one is pretty self explanatory. Last minute WYD texts aren’t grown and it sure ain’t sexy. If the man you are willing to give your time to, doesn’t have the decency to take some time to make it worthwhile, then you don’t need to be spending time with him. Let him go, sis!
He’s emotionally unavailable. He’s sweet, charming and knows how to make you laugh. It’s always a good time with him, but he keeps you an arm’s length away emotionally. If you’re looking for something deeper, this guy won’t be able to give you that. And if you’re the type to stick around because you believe ‘you can change him’ you’ll be opening yourself up to getting hurt. Love yourself enough to let him go. You deserve more!
He makes it clear that you’re only an option. We all know how annoying guys can be sometimes. When they’re interested and not sure if you are, they will sometimes bring up other women they’ve dated or are interested in, all in the name of getting a rise out of you. Fine. Whatever. It’s part of the game. However, if you’ve made it clear that you are not only interested but want to be something more, and he continues to let you know about other women he’s dealing with (by name dropping or sharing little tidbits of UNNECESSARY information about the other chick), well then, Sis RUN! You’re in danger! This guy has no qualms about hurting your feelings and if you continue to deal with him and hold out hope that there is a future, he will eventually break your heart. I know as women sometimes we feel the need to prove how strong or confident we are, but you do not do this by entertaining blatant disrespect. A true gentlemen will always consider the heart of the woman he is dealing with, but this guy is a jerk! I won’t tell you again Sis, RUN!
Now hopefully the guy you’re dealing with doesn’t meet any of the criteria above. And if he does, I’m sorry, not sorry. I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tell you the truth as I know it. I believe as women the only things we need to be doing out here in these streets is flourishing and living our best lives. And if I have to bring a not so nice word, then I’m committed to doing so. You deserve that, and you deserve the very best, especially when it comes to a significant other. With that being said, I’ve done a lot of internal work over the years and I lot of my knowledge comes from other people and resources that have helped me along my way. What kind of Sis would I be if I didn’t share?! See below!
For my ladies who want to keep it Godly, Heather Lindsey’s posts like, ‘How to Recognize a Woman Collector’ and ‘How to Identify a Random’ are a great read! Heather Lindsey offers an amazing platform for women who are looking to date while keeping their walk with God intact.
Another amazing resource has been the teachings of Pastor R.C. Blakes. He offers amazing Christian based advice through his Father Daughter Talk book and YouTube videos. Some of my favorite videos include, ‘7 Things A Queen Conscious Woman Never Does With a Man,’ and ‘9 Questions Every Woman Should Ask A Man While Dating.’
For those of you who KNOW you need to and are ready to work on yourself, I highly recommend the site and podcast Baggage Reclaim. Founder Natalie Lue’s writings were instrumental in helping me get over my worst break up years ago. And to this day, she is still dropping gems like ‘12 Core Boundaries to Live by in Life, Dating & Relationships’ and ‘The Broken Windows Theory Applied to Boundaries & Self Esteem’. In addition to her bomb relationship advice, she has a wealth of knowledge on self esteem, boundaries and self care.
If you’re really about that life, check out Black Girls Are Easy. Blog posts such as ‘Stop Being Loyal to Single People’ and ‘Surviving Single - How to be Happy Alone’ always have me snatching my invisible pearls! It’s definitely not for the faint of heart.
And in case nobody told you today:
Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below! In the meantime, stay blessed!
The beautiful blog photos are courtesy of Nadia Wilson. Find her on Instagram HERE!